What Did You Say?

So I pull into a gas station and ask for $10 of regular. The attendant says to me “Where do you think you are going with only $10 of gas?” Maybe I’m going down the street to a different gas station to fill it up because that attendant isn’t an asshole.

Just give me $10 please.

Did You Say Something?

There’s a 2007 study out there that has come to the conclusion that women speak 16,215 words per day and men speak 15,669 words per day. Define a day. If I only need 5 hours of sleep every night, I’ve got a whole lot more time to accumulate words as opposed to someone who needs 8. Is it based on having a conversation with someone else or does talking to yourself count? Do conversations with inanimate objects or machines count? If you are talking and no one is there to hear it, are you really talking?

If I’m in a good mood, I might talk a little more than a bad mood. If I spend most of my time in a library, I might talk a whole lot less than someone that spends their day on the phone for a marketing company. If you work for a month in customer service for an internet company, chances are you don’t speak any words at all anymore since you you’ve lost your voice dealing with all those irate customers every minute of every day.

Would one be inclined to talk more or less if stranded on a deserted island? You’d probably be talking more than everybody else simply to avoid going bat shit crazy. If I’m a ventriloquist, should we include the words I speak for the wooden dummy?

Sorry, but they need to break it down a little more…


I’m writing about thinking of things to write about so after I’m done writing, should I be reading about thinking about reading what I thought I wrote? Whether I’m writing or reading, that’s what I think about.

Thoughts come and go. Some disappear in an instant, but others stick around and make it onto paper. Those that disappear probably go into some sort of celestial filing cabinets, but what do they do with all those thoughts? Maybe they raffle them off at the end of each week or maybe they are destroyed with phasers that are definitely not set on stun.

Those that stick around wind up here in some form. When they’re flowing, it feels like my fingertips have a mind all their own and I’m just a conduit to the pen. When they’re not flowing so much, I either listen to music for a few minutes, maybe get up and walk around or write stuff like you are reading right now. And then there are thoughts that sometimes just pop into my head and I start writing…

I need to open up more with myself and just let it go, whatever “it” is…I suppose it’s all about clearing your mind to make the way for positive energy. I guess you could also be clearing your mind to make way for negative energy, but even though my glass is pretty much half full all the time, negative energy I think could give us an opportunity to look back, reflect and remember.

But even positive thoughts have their limitations. I’m thinking right now that I’m feeling a negative vibe, but I’m trying to convince myself to be positive. Is that a positive thought?

Positive, negative, really doesn’t matter, for the most part. As long as I can find it in myself to generally see more positive than negative, I can accept and embrace the negative.

Normal Course of Events

What is normal to one is different than normal to another. I think we all have tons of “normals”.

According to Webster, normal is defined as “being of the type that is encountered in the normal course of events.” See, I’ve got a problem with that. If I’m trying to understand the meaning of normal, then how does “the normal course of events” help me?  Trying to process that is like twitching from a short circuit in my brain. It’s a literary themed episode of The Twilight Zone where Rod Serling himself saying “What??!!”

Anyway, everyone’s normal is different, at least a little. One could be living in a small studio apartment while another lives in a 5,000 sq ft home.

Normal sandwich rules to me are mustard belongs on hot dogs and ham sandwiches, mayonnaise goes on turkey and roast beef and ketchup on hamburgers. Normal to you might be “Screw all those condiments. Just give me the meat.”

Some go to stores with the objective being “Let’s get what we need and get out” while others always stop to just look around. Different normals, but just as a side note, I think those that stop to just look around are most likely taking the time to appreciate the moment more than those with an objective.

Some enjoy vodka and others bourbon.

Normal may be hanging out in jeans and a tee shirt while others prefer something a little more formal.

Some look out their window from 35 stories up and see a bustling city while others see trees, lots of trees.

Normal to some may be dancing and talking while others may be skydiving and mountain climbing.

Some like folk music and others the opera.

Some are perfectly happy biting into a Sloppy Joe while others prefer a 5- star restaurant.

I guess I would say that all these different normals are what makes life interesting. They make us understand each other a little more and want to explore more.

Perfume and more…

Smells and fragrances are like Deja Vu. They remind me of something in the past, whether it’s a week ago or 40 years ago. So here are some really good smell memories….

Meatballs in the frying pan on Sunday mornings

Chocolate pudding cooking on the stove


Privet in the spring

Karma perfume

Buttered popcorn

Rain on a hot summer day

Fallen leaves in the fall

A freshly cut lawn

Karma perfume

The inside of a 1969 Camaro

Chicken on the grill

Find the Bridge

We’ve all had to log into a website where a bunch of pictures pop up and it says “Find the bridges!” Fuck, I just want to see the balance in my account. I really don’t like pop quizzes.

So you’re looking at these 9 pictures and most of the time, some of them are pretty fuzzy. “Is that a bridge or a firetruck?” So you fail that first test and another 9 pictures come up with “Find the fire extinguisher.” Really?? I don’t think so. It’s really not that important right now…

A Hit and a Drink…

I usually think about this stuff when I am grilling and I grill a lot. And when I’m grilling I usually have a drink (sometimes a couple) and I usually have a hit (sometimes a few). Why else do we grill? Oh yeah, there is the food…

Maybe we can have a bantering contest?! The winner would get nothing which is totally appropriate since what we talk about here is pretty much nothing.

So here is some food for thought and feel free to comment.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. What kind of bird and what about the bush? Is it a perennial, an annual? Does it flower? Which hand, left or right. Too many unanswered questions to use this phrase.

I carry a marble in my pocket at all times and I am fully prepared if anyone ever asks me if I’ve lost my marbles. I can say with conviction, NO.

I stop into the local post office to mail a large envelope but forgot to tape it so I ask if they can tape it for me. “You need to buy a roll of tape.” But I only need a very small piece. “You need to buy a roll of tape.” But I don’t want to buy a roll. I only need a small piece. “You need to buy a roll of tape.” The woman started to freak me out so I went home to get some tape.

We’ve all had that guy behind us at a traffic light that hits the horn one second after the light turns green and I always wondered what he’s like at home… Pass the salt please. The salt!!! Where’s the salt???!!! This is the person that responds to your text before you even send it and returns your call before you call him. These people scare me…

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Really? It depends on wind speed.

Your call is very important to us. No it isn’t. Stop lying to us.

A watched pot never boils. It does. I tried it.

I don’t get golf. Maybe because there is no direct human interaction. It’s like they’re competing with one another in parallel universes. I do get baseball. It’s like watching grass grow in the most amazing way.

A Penny for Your Thoughts. I don’t think it should be a flat rate. If I’m thinking about buying a pair of jeans, it’s worth a lot less than deciding to get married. If I’m divorced and thinking about alimony, we’re talking 6 figures here.