Just Once?

My second house had a few trees around the property. Not dozens of them but enough to turn leaf collecting into a non-paying part time job. When it came time to start raking all those leaves for the first time, I made a careful and calculated plan to rake just once after all those little buggers fall. I looked up, turned my head around, then looked at the yard and said “Fuck it. I’m going for it”. I mean, all you have to do is estimate the volume of leaves in the trees, look at the yard and estimate how much of those leaves will fall into the yard…Then…. you should consider wind speed to see how much of those leaves will be blown away and how much will stay in the yard, but I decided to leave wind out of it. There will be no wind that day.

I’ve got it all figured out. I’ll rake just once. Really, how much more time could it possibly take to do it all at once instead of a few times? It’s definitely worth it. Absolutely.

So fall arrives, the trees start turning their absolutely beautiful colors and all I’m thinking is Why should I have to clean up after Mother Nature? It’s like this dirty trick she plays on you every year. Anyway, I get over it and watch the leaves start to fall. And they fall. And fall. But with a little bit of blind faith and a whole lot of mere stupidity, I stick with the plan. Let ‘em all fall! I’m the captain that will go down with this ship and I’m damn proud of it.

The trees are now half empty and the yard has totally disappeared under a gorgeous blanket of leaves. All 500 bazillion of em. As I walk through the backyard it feels like I’m walking through sand up to my knees. I start to have visions of my legs numbing out on me and falling paralyzed seconds before a warm gentle breezes comes to cover me up.

So out comes the leaf blower and a truck load of bags. I fire up the blower and immediately notice that as soon as I turn it on, the wind blows in my face. I turn it off and the wind disappears. I turn it on, we have wind, off, no wind. As much as I felt such power to be able to control the wind, I was getting pissed. I wasn’t getting anywhere, especially when those mini tornados showed up to spin a bunch of leaves in a small circle. Why? It’s like someone sneaking up behind you and messing up your hair just because they can.

I get to the point where I’m halfway through this avalanche when I start having difficulty resisting the thought to just light ‘em up and invite the neighborhood over for marshmallows. I would do it safely. Once the people within a 10 block radius see the orange glow, they’ll hop right into the cars. There would be a massive traffic jam with cars filled with people coming over to enjoy a good marshmallow and those that are stopping by to meet the guy who figured out a way to get rid of all the leaves with a single match. I also understand it’s possible some may be tempted to bring ribs, steak, chicken. They’d be turned away as we wouldn’t want this to get out of control with all that grease. Safety first as we want to keep this confined to the yard for all to have an enjoyable evening.

Ok…Wow, that was like an invisible hallucination…

While that marshmallow roast may have it’s merits, I still have 250 bazillion leaves, but I’m sticking with the plan. I will admit I’m hoping for a mild tornado to stop by. Nothing major, just enough to blow those fucking leaves away. The tornado never came so I spent the next two days raking and blowing, blowing and raking.

I think I need to rethink the “plan”.

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