Spiders?

I don’t like spiders. Nothing personal, but I don’t like spiders. Spiders to me are like snakes to Indiana Jones.

The daddy long leg variety isn’t so intimidating. Maybe because of the long skinny legs and the tiny body. They are dainty and since they are dainty they don’t seem to pose a threat to me. For all I know those little bodies are filled with poison much like the stuff the spies take when they know they’re fucked….

Tarantulas serve no purpose other than to terrify humans. There is no reason why a spider needs to be that big and that hairy. A friend had one these as a pet and kept it in a fish tank, less the water because he was pretty sure it couldn’t swim. At least put a little in there so it could wade and cool off in the summer. You don’t want to piss this thing off. I slept over his house one time and all I could think of was this thing creeping up the wall of the tank over the top and onto the floor where it was coming straight for me. No thank you.

And then there was the day I was at my sister’s house in Maryland trying to organize her move to Florida for her. It’s a very small house and it’s in the middle of nowhere. And it’s really, really dark…

I open the door, stumble to find the light in the kitchen and start walking around. As I walk into the living room I see these dark spots all over the place, on the walls and hanging from the lights. I turn on the light and they are all spiders! Holy shit! These suckers are a good 4 inches long and they have me surrounded and they look like they are moving. Fuck this, I run to the door and into the black of the night when I realize these things are probably running rampant everywhere out here. I was really wishing someone was there with me so they could cover me as I made the terrifying 20 foot run to the car. I made it to the car unscathed, but when I got into the car I was afraid they were on the floor so there I am uncontrollably stamping my feet in the dark in case they are on the floor. But I managed to calm down and call my sister.

Linda, there are these huge spiders in the house. You know I don’t like spiders and I wish I could help but I’m not going back in there until those fuckers are gone. Then I hear laughing, hysterical laughing. For at least a minute. I am upset and now totally confused…

Bobby, those are plastic spiders that we put up for Halloween. We never got around to taking them down. Wait. What??!! It’s March! I didn’t find it funny one bit.

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