Answering Machines

Press one for this, press two for that, press three to speak with a non-English speaking customer service representative…For those of you that don’t get this, you need to spend more time on your phone…

Navigating through answering machine options is exhausting…Should I press 1 or 2? You feel the pressure as you struggle to make a decision. You know this is time sensitive and the clock is ticking…Take too long and risk being sent to the answering machine black hole. A space where phone calls go never to be heard from again. So you make your decision and it is the right one. You are happy in spite of the fact that you’ve been on the phone for 10 minutes and haven’t actually spoken with a human being yet. I start getting Twilight Zone flashbacks as I say, with conviction, REPRESENTATIVE!!… No humans there. You take a moment to look outside to make sure you didn’t miss some sort of nuclear attack. Your fears of human extinction evaporate as you finally hear an actual voice. After a brief exchange she says “You need to speak with our specialist. I’d be happy to transfer you and gives me a phone number to call if it gets disconnected.” By now it’s been about 20 minutes and I start hallucinating about rotary phones and thinking about how life used to be much simpler.

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